


time after time

by shuuuliet



Category: Psych (TV 2006)
Genre: Episode: s03e02 Murder?...Anyone?...Anyone?...Bueller?, Episode: s03e16 An Evening With Mr. Yang, Episode: s04e09 Shawn Takes a Shot In the Dark, Episode: s05e08 Shawn 2.0, F/M, Five Plus One Things, Happily Ever After, Jules is gone and Shawn is a sad boi, Pining, Scared Shawn, Shawn and Jules are lost in the dark and Shawn just wants to tell her, Shules, Unresolved Tension, and words have failed him for so long, another big speech from shawn, anxious shawn, anyway shawn is super in love and he needs to figure that out quick, bc he's running out of time now that declan is in the picture, but also Shawn in denial, does anyone actually know how to spell garth longmore?, established shules, in which THE phone call plays a big role, it's almost like she's what makes him happy, nervous shawn, pining Shawn, pretty sure i've spelled it two different ways at this point, references to Episode: s01e02: Spellingg Bee, references to Episode: s05e10: Extradition II: The Actual Extradition Part, scared jules, set before Episode: s05e08 Shawn 2.0, shawn angst, shawn finally comes clean, shawn in love, shawn in love as usual, shawn is dating abigail but even HE knows that's not his best idea, shawn is thiiiiiiiiiis close, shawn thinks he might be ready to tell juliet THE secret, shawn's heart is just not in it, some dialogue from DVD deleted scenes, suspend your disbelief pals, well for now, what if they fail him again now?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:16:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27441805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shuuuliet/pseuds/shuuuliet
Summary: Five times Shawn realizes he's in love with Juliet, and one time he tells her.An extended version of the "five plus one things" story format, each chapter is one "thing".
Relationships: Juliet O'Hara & Shawn Spencer, Juliet O'Hara/Shawn Spencer
Comments: 19
Kudos: 24





	1. you can look and you will find me

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, all! For my fellow Americans--what a week, huh? Luckily, I've been able to do a lot of writing to distract myself, and I'm very excited about this piece! It will be six chapters, and it's an extended (read: long) version of the "five plus one things" format. I've already finished writing it, since I'm using Nano to work on a bunch of different things, but I'll likely be posting one chapter a week! 
> 
> This week's chapter is the shortest, and it's set pretty early, around season two. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy! As usual, I own nothing.
> 
> Oh, and the title of this work, as well as the chapter titles, comes from Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time" (1983), which I also do not own.

Shawn is in a weird mood. It’s been a difficult week, and he’s just felt _off_ all week, not getting the usual pleasure he gets out of solving a case. Even though this case had been one of his most impressive yet—a homicide case that predated his father had suddenly turned up new evidence in the aftermath of a fire in downtown Santa Barbara that had turned out to be arson. The man they’d arrested was now in his eighties, having gotten away with the murders for the last sixty years. But no longer.

And yet, Shawn wasn’t happy. He was satisfied, certainly, but just not as excited as he ordinarily would be. But he knew why, he just kept trying not to think about it.

Juliet has been absent all week, in Miami visiting her family, and it seems everyone is starting to realize how much she changes the spirit of the station. Lassiter is in rare form without his more compassionate partner (“his better half”, Shawn quips with a smirk) to temper his moods.

It’s true, though. Nothing is the same without her, and he wonders if Lassie is thinking back to the days before Juliet. He may have been dating his partner, then, but Jules is clearly still _better_. He can tell Lassie misses her, even though his usual gruff demeanor won’t let him actually _say_ it.

But he sees the way Lassiter has to take extra care with his words when Juliet isn’t here to translate the brusque tone he takes with everyone. He listens to Lassie correct himself when he accidentally loses his temper in front of a witness, and he thinks, _he’s learning_. Jules would be proud, and he wishes she was here to see it.

Of course, if she was, Lassie probably wouldn’t have corrected it at all, Jules would have done it for him. He makes a mental note to tell her about the incident when she returns. She probably won’t believe it has anything to do with her, but it does. Because he knew Lassie beforehand, and he is not the same man that he was.

And, for that matter, neither is Shawn. Jules just makes them all _better_. He’s always known that, always been in awe of her kindness, her gentle intellect, the way she always takes care of everyone, how she never gets frustrated at his antics or at Lassie’s short temper. She’s the thread that keeps them all together, the only thing that’s kept Lassie from arresting him a dozen times. And that’s why everyone is in such a bad mood this week. Even if they’re not taking the time to analyze it like he is, they miss her.

Shawn misses her, too.

He knew he would, though, felt something of a sense of dread about the week ahead the second the Chief announced Jules was out this week. And every time he thinks about how much he misses her, it feels like an overreaction. She’s on a vacation—a vacation she _deserves_ , by the way, and it’s not like she’s gone for good.

But the thing is, it’s just not as _fun_ without her—no one to flirt with, no one to show off for, no one who will indulge him in the jokes he makes or the wild whims he has to follow. It’s like the station was in color, and now it’s black and white again, the life entirely sucked out of it.

Even the Chief is more irritable than usual, and Shawn is astounded every time he realizes just how profound the _difference_ Juliet makes to the station is. They need her. It’s that simple. Even he is surprised when he realizes how often he just…misses her.

He catches himself, glancing over towards where Jules usually stands during a briefing in Chief Vick’s office, after he’s made a particularly bold show in front of Lassie, even incorporating a little dance, but of course she isn’t there. Even Gus looks at him as if to say, “who are you doing this for”, but Shawn pretends not to notice. He stops dancing almost immediately, though. It just doesn’t feel the same; it’s not as fun as it usual is to look at Lassie rolling his eyes, or the Chief raising her eyebrows at him.

The week drags on, each day feeling longer than the last. Solving the case is always fun—nothing has ever made Shawn feel a sense of purpose quite like unraveling a case—but even _that_ victory doesn’t seem as sweet as it usually does. Without Jules, he just feels a little deflated.

And then, one day, he walks into the station, his eyes automatically drawn to her desk, the way they always are when he walks in, and just like that, she’s back, looking the same as always, (except that perhaps she’s gotten a little sun in Miami) typing something on her computer.

He stops walking for a second, causing Gus to walk directly into him. Gus starts to question it and then follows Shawn’s eyeline, falling silent and knowingly rolling his eyes.

Shawn doesn’t care. The weight has been lifted. 

It’s not so much that the exact thought of loving her crosses his mind as it is a sense of rightness settling in; his mind seems to look at her and say, ‘ _ah, there you are’_ , and for a moment, everything is clear, for a moment the constant roar of movement and activity in his mind is stilled, is at peace.

He does love her, though. Even Lassie could follow the clues and solve that case. He’s not really ready to think about it openly, but all the signs are there. The way he missed her when she’s gone, the enormous relief he feels to see her back, safe, well. And most of all, the way he feels like himself again, just like that.

He wants to take a moment just to stare at her, take her in, rest for a second in the fact that everything can feel normal and right again, the fun returning to solving cases all at once.

He stands there, watching her, ignoring Gus rolling his eyes next to him. As if she feels his eyes on her, she suddenly looks up, a slow smile spreading across her face. Shawn wonders if it’s not just wishful thinking to suspect she missed him, too.

And then Lassie is there, oblivious to the look they’re sharing and interrupting the moment as usual, placing a stack of files on Juliet’s desk, his way of welcoming her back to work. “We’ve got a lot to do, O’Hara,” he says.

“I missed you too, Carlton,” she responds, and Shawn laughs, the joy at having her back bursting out of him unexpectedly.

Juliet is back. The light, the color, returns to the station, like everyone taking a collective sigh of relief, and all is well.


	2. go slow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite having the most stressful day of his life, Shawn can't stop thinking about an innocent question from his mother. Set during "An Evening with Mr. Yang".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, all! Happy Saturday! I'm back with the next "thing"! Today's is set during "An Evening with Mr. Yang"--and begins with a moment from the deleted scenes for the episode. Fair warning, chronology gets a little wonky between this chapter and the next, but I do hope you enjoy it anyway! 
> 
> Once again, the chapter title comes from "Time After Time" (1983), which I do not own. I also do not own Psych or any of these characters.
> 
> Thanks for reading, I hope you like it!

Shawn's mom has always been good at calming him down. When it was just him and his dad, it was much harder to stop his mind from racing, to organize his thoughts into coherent words, to keep himself _sane_ when he was busy taking in everything around him.

It's a relief when his mom shows up at the station the day Mr. Yang returns, if only because he assumes that, as usual, his mom will be able to stop his mind from going a million miles a minute, the way it has been ever since he saw the note that Mr. Yang had sent, bringing him directly into the case by name.

But his mom isn't there to calm him down, not this time. Instead, she wants him off the case entirely. "I don't like this, Goose," she says. "I don't want you going after Yang. I did psych evals of several officers who were involved the first round of this maniac's game. It wasn't pretty!"

"All right, look," he says. "First of all, Mom, I have a date tonight, all right? So I have to wrap this up at a reasonable hour, and secondly, this guy has never gone up against me."

"A date?," she asks, which is the opposite part of the statement he expected her to pick up on, "With who?"

"Well, you've met her actually, at my high school reunion."

"Oh, the blonde detective? She was lovely!"

"No," he says, and he's shocked at how hard it suddenly is to make the words come out. "Not her."

His mom looks at him for a moment, something unreadable in her eyes. Maybe it's just what she does for a living, but she's always been able to read him; it was the way she could look at him and instantly understand him that he missed so much when she left.

But right now, he doesn't want to look at his mom, doesn't want to grapple with the unspoken words passing between them. Not today, not when there's something so much bigger at stake.

But it stays with him. Because at the end of the day, he knows his mom was right about Juliet. About _him_ and Juliet, without either of them even having to really come out and say it.

He could love her. He knows this; has thought of it a thousand times, and now he's well past the point of wondering if it's something about her or something about him that's kept him from telling her.

(It's him.)

Well, it's mostly him. He's never felt anything like this before, and if he's honest with himself, it scares the crap out of him.

But it's also her.

Not in the sense that there's something wrong with her. It's not her _fault_ , the way that it is his, it's just that this _matters so much_ and he can't risk messing it up. He's never had something that mattered like this before, something that feels like, if he takes care of it, if he does it right, he might be able to keep. He might _want_ to keep.

He's never had something (or someone) that made him want to stay in Santa Barbara. Before, every moment here was a missed opportunity for escape—if he wasn't on the road, he was thinking about when he'd get the chance to be.

But now, he hasn't thought about leaving in a long time. His apartment shuffle every few months does the trick for his restless spirit; he no longer even feels the need to drive to the edge of town like he used to, just to hover there for a few moments, wondering if he should just take off and not look back.

But with Jules here, the temptation just isn't there. If he goes, he won't get to see her every day, won't get to listen to her laugh or make her smile, and that alone is enough to erase any question in his mind that staying is the right thing.

He's not entirely sure when it became something this serious, when he realized that she's not just someone he likes to flirt with, but if he thinks about it, he remembers the way it felt from that very first day, those moments at the diner, before either of them had any real idea who the other was. There was something different about her even then, even in those early moments. And it wasn't like he knew that he could love her then, but he _did_ know, somehow, that there was something about her that made him want to stick around. He wanted to see her again, that day, wanted to follow the intrigue from their momentary introduction because it was just so _unprecedented_.

And now here he is. Here they are. And she is so much more than he could have ever imagined then.

And what's more, he thinks he might actually have a chance here, with her. There's been something in the way she's looked at him lately that makes him think there's a chance there, and she's almost ready to give it to him.

But today is not their day. And besides, he's already copped out of today being their day, when he called Abigail at lunch instead of calling Juliet. He's not entirely sure why he dialed Abigail instead; even Gus seemed to understand that she wasn't his first choice. That was why Gus had first wondered if he was calling Jules, after all.

But maybe he needs this test run. He's not ready for Jules, and she's not ready for him, and maybe they'll go down that road at a later time, but in the meantime, there's no reason he can't go back and try to fix the mistakes he made in high school.

That doesn't stop his Mom's assumption from echoing in his head all day, though, especially every time he looks at Jules. He tries not to, tries to keep his eyes off of her all day, but as usual, that's a losing battle, and even with all he has to distract him, today of all days, his mom's assumption nags at the back of his mind.

But he owes it to Abigail to give this thing a fair chance. It's not Abigail's _fault_ , after all, that even when he was kissing her at their high school reunion, he was thinking about Jules. It's not her fault that he knows, in his heart of hearts, that his mom's question is bugging him because it's Juliet that he really wants. And maybe if he gives this thing with Abigail a shot, it'll get Jules out of his system.

Except that earlier today, Juliet had pulled him to the side during the briefing, her hand finding his, and he can still feel her fingers on his hand, can still feel the way his skin seemed to burn at her touch, and he knows he can only ignore something like that for so long before it becomes too much.

It's been like that a lot lately; he's felt like he's almost reached the breaking point. Every time they've accidentally touched, or even looked at each other for too long, he's felt something within him bubbling, like it's about to boil over, and it's all he can do to stop himself from just chasing after her, trying to prove to her that this is something real, that she's not just some girl he's flirting with.

And maybe that, in the end, is why he calls Abigail. It's the same situation as before, but in reverse. In high school, he bailed on Abigail because he cared too much, he was too invested, and he knew it, and it scared him.

And now, it's the same with Juliet, only this time, Abigail is the distraction. Because the thing is, he's not eighteen anymore, and even if showing up for Abigail on the pier that day could have changed a lot of things about his life, they were just kids then. It didn't mean he would have married her, or that she would have been his future.

With Jules, all of that is different. He knows, just _knows_ —maybe some part of him really _is_ psychic, after all—that if he starts something with her, that's going to be it. That's going to be the rest of his life. Because this is Juliet and she exceeds everything he ever could have imagined. He's always in awe of her, in awe of the way he feels around her, and he knows that that's not something that just happens every day.

And even though he wants that—wants her so badly he feels like he's going crazy sometimes—he's just not sure he's ready to commit to that, to make a rest-of-my-life decision like that, even though, if he really thinks about it, he's sure Juliet would be the right decision. _Being with her_ isn't the scary part, after all; no, that part doesn't scare him at all. But he knows himself, knows the ways in which watching his parents' marriage deteriorate, his dad clearly still in love with his mom, has damaged him, and he knows he's always been a flight risk, always had to keep one foot out the door, and, above all, he knows that he is still lying to Juliet, and how long can that possibly last?

So, as usual, here he is, running as fast as he can in the opposite direction of what is good for him, and even in the opposite direction of what he's always wanted, because the idea of having something permanent, even when it's something he desperately wants, is just too much. It's too overwhelming. He's just not ready.

But he knows that someday, he could be. He will be. If he lets himself, if they let themselves get tired of this dance, he could love her. He could. He probably already does, if he's honest with himself, and if the way his mom looked at him when he said "not her" is any indication. He's right there on the brink, on the edge of falling in love with her, and as much as he wants to fall, today, he's feeling himself stepping away, backing down from the edge.

And maybe he only lets himself back down now because deep down, even though he doesn't want to admit it to himself, he knows the fall is inevitable. It's already begun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so very much for reading, as always! I am so grateful that people read my work! Special thanks as always to people who have left comments or kudos--that means so much to me! 
> 
> I would love to hear your thoughts on this chapter in the comments too, if you are so inclined! More chapters coming soon! Enjoy your week!


	3. caught up in circles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn is dating Abigail now, like he's always wanted, and yet...it's not enough. There's something that's just not sitting right with him, and he won't let himself put his finger on exactly what that is. And then, suddenly, it all comes to him during a phone call, when there's a gun pointed at his head. Oh, this is SO not the time to be rethinking all of this! (Tag to 3x02: "Murder?...Anyone?...Anyone? Bueller?" and 4x09: "Shawn Takes a Shot in the Dark".)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I mentioned previously, time and chronology get a little wonky between this chapter and the last, but where this part ends takes place after the end of the last chapter, so I thought it made more sense to put this as the third piece than as the second. Also, I think I said before that chapter one is the shortest chapter, but this one might be shorter yet--oops. :)
> 
> As usual, I own nothing and no one! And once again, the chapter title comes from “Time After Time” (1983).
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter! :)

He’s actually doing it, here, in their old high school gym. He’s actually kissing Abigail, and how long has he been waiting for this? But it’s wrong, somehow. He’s been waiting thirteen years, but now he’s _distracted_ , and it doesn’t feel the way he imagined thirteen years of wondering would feel.

It’s just that he’s now spent the last three years imagining what it would be like to kiss Juliet, and as he stands here, kissing Abigail, he knows that Jules is still what he wants.

But now he’s in this, and he doesn’t know how to get out of it. Can he just walk away like that, when he’s spent all night trying to rectify the way he walked away the last time, thirteen years ago?

He hopes he can, because as soon as they break apart, his eyes are scanning the room, searching for Jules like they always do whenever she’s around. They seem to move of their own accord, sometimes, looking for Juliet in every room he’s in.

But now he’s got to say _something_ to Abigail, because they just kissed, after all, and he wonders if she’s feeling as confused as he is—obviously, if she is, it’s not for the same _reason_ he’s confused, but still, he doesn’t know what to say to her, doesn’t know what she’s _expecting_ him to say.

His eyes keep flickering to Jules, like she is his anchor, silencing the storm of confusion in his head. Looking at her gives him the same sense of calmness it always does.

And so he opens his mouth, says something to Abigail about closure, not even entirely sure what he’s saying, just watching Juliet looking a little lost across the room and idly realizing he can’t fathom ever speaking words of closure to her.

The closure doesn’t take, though; a few months later, he’s with Abigail, and it’s good, and it’s so very much like what he always imagined it would be like, it’s just that somewhere along the way, sometime in the last thirteen years, it’s stopped being what he wanted. Something deeper has taken root and it’s got hold of him—it’s a train run off its tracks and even if it crashes and burns, he’s along for the ride, because letting go means certain death, but keeping hold means maybe, just maybe, there’s some chance he’ll survive.

He’s certainly been along for the ride for a long time with her. And yet, just when he wonders if he’ll ever get a chance or if it really will all blow up in flames, he spots a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe it’s a little smile, a way that she says his name—soft, affectionate—or even just a hidden laugh behind her hand, when he makes a joke at an inappropriate time, and he remembers that he’s not the only passenger on the train.

She’s in this, too. It’s not in his head.

The hope is overwhelming, sometimes, and he’s lost an embarrassing number of nights of sleep just lying there _thinking_ about it. None of that is fair to Abigail, of course. He shouldn’t be spending so much time on hope when he’s with Abigail, but he can’t turn it off. It’s not that he hasn’t _tried_ to commit to her, after all, it just feels like he’s betraying everything in him when he does. And that can only last for so long, can’t it?

And so he actually said it. He told Juliet he loved her, and it wasn’t even hard. If his voice shook, it was only because of the gun pointed at his head. Which, yes, was a small consolation, but still.

Of course, he’d immediately recanted, saying Abigail’s name as he said goodbye—and it wasn’t like he’d had a choice, he’d already told Longmore his girlfriend’s name was Abigail, after all—but before that, he’d been almost positive Juliet was about to say it back to him.

Maybe that was the real reason he’d ended the call the way he had. Yes, he was out of time, but he couldn’t deny that he’d blurted out “Goodbye, Abigail”, more than really said it. With everything else he was trying to process, he didn’t think he could handle the brain overload if she’d said it back to him.

It’s just that he didn’t want it to happen this way. Not now, when he may never see her again. And maybe that was just him being stubborn and stupid—after all, if he never saw her again, he’d never get a chance to do it right—but he’d imagined saying those words to Jules so many times, imagined hearing them back even more, and he didn’t want it to happen like this, not when he kept fading in and out of consciousness and he could hear the fear in her voice, and there was a man holding a gun to his head, a man that wouldn’t miss his shot the second time.

Surprisingly, the moment did provide some clarity, though. Because when he thought about the fact that the words he said into the phone might be his very last, he realized that he wanted to say them to Jules. _Jules_. Not Abigail. If this _was_ the last chance he was going to have to tell someone that he loved them, he was glad he got to say it to a woman that, when he was honest with himself, he really _did_ love.

And even though he’d taken it back afterward, sort of, he got the sense that she still sort of _knew_. Those words _were_ meant for Jules, no matter what he said afterward. And if he didn’t make it out, maybe she’d be able to hold onto that. Maybe she could forget the name that had burst out of his mouth when he was just trying to process it all, just trying to live for a few more minutes. Maybe it would be _enough_ , for Jules, that he had said those words, or at least enough to hold onto until he could say them again when he wasn’t under so much duress, when the moment was right, when he would be able to take her in his arms and kiss her afterward, prove to her that he meant exactly what he had said.

But then again, maybe all of that was just wishful thinking. There was no guarantee he’d make it out alive, after all. And even if he did, when he made it out of here, he still had Abigail. He may love Juliet, he may know in his heart of hearts that it’s _her_ that he wants—needs—to be with, and not Abigail, but in the end, she’s still not his. And he will still have to deal with that, have to try and figure out how the hell to go about figuring that situation out.

Oh, but first he has to _survive_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! We’re officially at the halfway point of this work, but the latter half is definitely my favorite, so I’m really looking forward to sharing the rest of it with you all! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and, as always, I would love to hear your thoughts! Thank you so much to everyone who has already left comments and kudos, that means the world to me!
> 
> See you next week for part four!


	4. i fall behind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn and Juliet are tailing a suspect deep in the Santa Barbara woods when they stumble into what may be a trap. Realizing that he may be facing certain death, Shawn questions whether or not now is finally the time to just give in and tell Juliet everything before it's too late. Set just before 5x08: "Shawn 2.0".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all, happy Saturday! This chapter is set just before 5x08: “Shawn 2.0”.
> 
> As usual, I own nothing. :)

It’s been a long night. Well, several long nights, all of them leading up to this one. He and Jules are in the woods, _deep_ in the woods, having been separated from Lassie and the Chief while chasing a suspect.

Shawn shivers. Gus is lucky to have missed this case due to a business trip. He’s probably warm and safe in a hotel, surrounded by a large room service order right about now, instead of seeking the hiding place of the other perp like he and Juliet are.

“Shawn,” Juliet says softly, from a few steps ahead of him, “I think we’re getting close.”

He nods, then realizes that if he can hardly see her in the dim lighting, she probably can’t see him either. “Yeah,” he says, “the spirits suspected right around here.”

Shawn had discovered that their suspects were using a cabin deep in the Santa Barbara woods to hide out in. After they’d followed one of the suspects to the edge of the woods earlier, leaving Lassiter and the Chief to arrest him, he and Juliet had gone deeper into the woods, hoping to find the other suspect in the hideout, trusting a cavalry from the SBPD to follow them.

But that had been ages ago, and there was no longer any sign of the cavalry. In an unexpected struggle with the first perp, it seemed some plans had gotten lost in the shuffle. Without cell signal, they had no way to know if help was coming.

They move slowly, not wanting to risk turning on Juliet’s flashlight and signal to anyone who may be watching them where they were. The sky is inky and black, offering very little moonlight to guide their way.

But before long, Shawn sees it, a sense of dread growing in his chest as the cabin begins to rise before them out of the shadows. It looks boarded up, totally abandoned, which, he guesses, is exactly the _point_. “Jules,” he whispers, and she stops, stepping back to fall in line with him.

Next to him, he can finally see her, and she swallows nervously. “Okay,” he whispers, “we need a plan.”

She nods. “We don’t know if anyone’s coming after us,” she says. “I don’t think we should go in without backup, Shawn.”

“What if he hears us and leaves?” Shawn asks.

She sighs. “It’s too dark for us to guarantee we’ll catch him. If he’s in there, we have to hope he’ll stay until we can get backup here.”

“That could take a really long time,” he points out.

“I know,” she says, “but I’m not sure what else to do. For now, let’s walk around a bit, try and get a sense of the entrances to this thing.”

Slowly, they begin to move, scanning the perimeter of the cabin, trying to keep silent as they go. Shawn can tell Juliet is scared, and he doesn’t blame her. He’s scared too, although he doesn’t want to be. A hundred times, he has to stop himself from grabbing her hand. He needs to touch her, needs the physical comfort of her, but if he just reaches out, he risks startling her, and they can’t afford that now.

Besides, he’s not sure where he stands with Jules these days. He’s not dating Abigail anymore, but things aren’t quite back to normal between them. Juliet’s guard has gone up, and he’s not really sure how to get back to where they used to be. So, he continues to resist, trying to squelch every rush of attraction he feels for her, squashing every temptation to really go for it, try and _finally_ make this work. It’s getting harder and harder, though, and at this moment, he just wishes he was holding her hand.

The cabin still seems completely abandoned as they continue to circle it. All the windows are boarded up, but as they pass one, Shawn stops. “Do you smell something?” he asks her, wishing Gus was here to verify with the Super Sniffer.

She pauses, sniffing. “Smoke? It’s very faint. Do you think there’s a fire somewhere?”

He shakes his head. “Candles,” he says, pointing to the window, and sure enough, there’s a tiny crack, through which they can see a sliver of light, no bigger than a splinter.

She lets out a shaky breath. “Someone’s here.”

He nods, and points away from the cabin, towards the shadowy woods. “Let’s go back over there and regroup.”

As they head towards the trees, Shawn freezes. The splinter of light from the window has disappeared. “Jules,” he whispers, “that someone may know we’re here.”

Juliet’s eyes widen, and she grabs his arm, dragging him as quickly as she can while they still stay silent, towards the trees.

When they get there, they stay close together. Even whispering is risky, but they have to figure out their next move. “Okay,” Juliet says. “Well, there’s two of us, and hopefully only one of them.”

Shawn doesn’t say anything for a moment. He closes his eyes for a second. He’s just realized what he has to do. “Jules, if they sneak out of there now before we can strike first, we’ll never find them.”

She nods, but then her eyes narrow. “What are you saying?”

Shawn takes a deep breath. “I think—I think one of us needs to go in there, try and kind of sneak up on them, because then we can kind of smoke them out here, where the other is waiting. Surround them as best we can.”

“Shawn, that’s way too risky,” she protests.

“I know,” he says, “but Jules, listen, we’re losing time. If we keep waiting out here, they’re going to take _us_ by surprise. We have to go in first.”

She sighs. “Shawn, this seems like a really terrible idea.”

“I know,” he murmurs. “But Jules, I think it’s our only choice.” He thinks about it again, trying to urge his brain to go faster, think of _anything_ else, but it still seems to be the only choice.

It is, isn’t it?

One of them has to go in. It’s the only way. But going in means facing almost certain death. Although, to be fair, staying outside _also_ means possibly facing death, it’s just that walking willingly into the darkness poses a bigger risk. Anything and anyone could be waiting inside.

One look at Juliet’s face, and it’s clear that the choice is no choice at all. Jules needs to live. He would never be able to live with himself if he just let her go, if she died because of him.

“Give me your flashlight,” he says, “it’s heavy, isn’t it?”

She hands it to him, frowning. “Shawn, I don’t think we should use the flashlight yet.”

He shakes his head. “I’m not planning on using the actual light part.”

She looks confused.

“I’m going in,” he says, and the words come out more frantic than he intended.

“You’re a civilian,” she says, “absolutely not.”

“I’m a consultant,” he corrects. She sighs.

“The spirits are telling me that I’ll be fine, Jules,” he lies.

She shakes her head. “Shawn, I can’t let you--.”

But he has to do this, he has to be the one—he’s sure as hell not sending _her_ in there—and she must understand this, must see it on his face, because she takes a deep breath, and then nods.

“Jules, you have the gun,” he says. “All I need to do is get him out here, and then we win. Maybe going in will distract him enough, and then we’ll have him surrounded. And I have the flashlight, and it’s heavy, so if there’s a struggle…”. He hopes his voice doesn’t sound as shaky as it feels, hopes she can’t tell how scared he is. But no matter how scared he feels for something that will very possibly kill him, he feels better knowing he’s not sending Juliet in there.

He looks up at her face, frozen in fear for him, and it comes to him, clear as day, _My God, Jules, I love you. I’m in love with you._ He’s a breath away from saying it, but no, this can’t be the moment. Not here. If he doesn’t make it out, it wouldn’t be fair to saddle her with that now. And, as long as he’s being truly honest with himself, he doesn’t really know if he’s going to make it out. But it’s not looking good.

He can’t resist taking another moment just to look at her—with where he’s going, there’s no doubt she’s the last beautiful thing he’ll ever see. And plus, it’s _Jules_ , and even in the best of times, he could stare at her all day long without ever getting tired. He looks at the face he knows so well, wishing he could see in the dark those features that he already has memorized--her wide, blue eyes, the faint smattering of freckles across her nose. He can’t see them in this lighting, and her face is burned in his brain anyway, he knows that, but he can’t resist taking an extra second to look at her.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” she asks, and he thinks she knows the words that are still right there on the tip of his tongue.

“I—I just—.” He’s so close to saying it, but he can’t, it wouldn’t be fair, and she deserves for him to do this _right_. Maybe this will just have to be the thing that gets him through—when they’re out of here, if they escape with their lives, he will tell her. He will tell her a thousand times, if he can. She reaches out, grabs his hand, and squeezes it. A silent understanding passes between them, and it’s enough to give him the nerve he needs.

He swallows. “I just needed a minute,” he says, finally, and then, letting go of her hand, “Bye, Jules.”

He’s walked away from her, out into the darkness that awaits him, before he can hear her respond—just his name, her voice barely a whisper, nothing more—and it doesn’t take more than a second before he’s regretting leaving her, regretting that she’s still out there not really _knowing_. But it’s too late to go back, so he has to go forward.

He holds on to the image of Juliet’s face in his mind as he slowly moves forward. He has to make it out of here alive, if only to ensure that he doesn’t die without telling her how he feels, without getting to hold her, kiss her for the first time, getting to feel the fulfillment of five years of waiting and wanting.

He tries not to think about the last time he promised himself he’d tell her how he felt, if only he could make it out alive. That was the day he’d actually said it to her, when he’d been kidnapped, and then recanted at the last moment. They’d never quite returned to normal after that.

This time, if he made it out, there was nothing else standing in the way. Maybe this time, he thought, he’d be able to go through with it. With that in mind, he took a deep breath, and kept moving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Thanks so very much for reading, and thank you especially to those of you who have been following this story over the last few weeks! Please feel free to let me know what you think in the comments!
> 
> Thanks so much to those of you who have left comments and kudos so far! Seeing them makes my week! <3


	5. the drum beats out of time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn thinks he might finally be ready to tell Juliet the secret he's been keeping from her. It might be the last thing left that's keeping them apart. But can he find the words to say it to her? And can he get to her before Declan does?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here it is, the second-to-last chapter! I hope you guys like it. This is a moment I’ve always wanted to explore, because I feel like it’s never really addressed after it happens on the show. Hope you enjoy!
> 
> I also published a new story this week, "this one goes out to the one i've left behind" which also deals with the Declan-era, so feel free to have a look at that if you'd like! It's one of my favorite things I've written. :)
> 
> As usual, nothing is mine.

Shawn is terrified. He’s been terrified ever since he was at Declan’s house, ever since he told Declan that he had to tell Juliet the truth. The words themselves aren’t the problem. He’s always been good with words. In fact, he’s had few experiences in his entire life in which he was truly speechless, or when words failed him.

The problem is, some of the moments that immediately come to mind in which that has happened have been in front of Juliet. That night at the drive-in, his words failed him. He remembers looking at her, at the pain and hurt that was so clearly evident on her face, and realizing that there was _nothing_ he could say to take it away from her. Not when he was the one who caused it, after all. And then she kissed him on the cheek, and it was so much _more_ than he’d even known it could be, and he could feel the heartbreak in it, and the heartbreak in _him_ , and suddenly he just felt like the lump in his throat had grown so big that if he spoke, it would betray him, and he would dissolve into tears, matching the tears in Juliet’s eyes.

He suspects that the reason she kisses him on the cheek is more of an attempt to stop her own tears from falling than anything else, and he sees her swallow as she backs away, tries to offer her own words of letting go, of making things okay when they are _so clearly not okay_.

And the first thing he can think of to say is an apology, but even that isn’t quite right, because he doesn’t have the words to express how profoundly sorry he is in that moment, so he offers a few simple words of apology for snapping at her earlier in the day, and she accepts.

And they both know that the real words, the ones they would like to say, the ones that they can feel hanging in the air around them, have eluded them.

The next time words fail him, he’s looking directly into Juliet’s eyes again, and he’s feeling frantic. The emotions of the day, like the last time, have been too much for him. First, the virus was out, then they got it, then…no wait, they didn’t get it after all, then they had to _find_ it, and then Juliet was dying and he had to stop it, had to save her, had to tell her he loved her before it was too late, and then she wasn’t dying after all, and now he’s in the middle of saying it and he’s tripping at the finish.

He remembers so clearly how that felt, looking at her. He was elated, in that moment, knowing that she had time— _they_ had time, so much time, but he also felt himself deflate because he knows he’s going to take advantage of the time he’s been given, and he’s not going to be able to finish what he started.

He _wants_ to, that’s the thing. He _really_ wants to, and that’s why he chooses to continue talking once Gus has announced that Juliet has more time after all. But with every second that passes, his resolve begins to fade, and suddenly, he doesn’t know what he’s saying, doesn’t have a plan anymore. This is his _gift,_ his words, and it has carried him through so much in his life, talked him out of a million situations in which he might have faced arrest or even certain death, and yet now, looking at the woman who he _knows_ he is in love with, who is so comfortable and familiar, who is his _best friend besides Gus_ , his gift is just…gone, disappearing like a wisp of smoke in the air.

He tries to grasp it, tries to finish what he started, but again, the words are eluding him, and before he knows it, he’s opening his mouth and closing it again, without any sound coming out.

He remembers the look on Juliet’s face afterward, different from the look on her face at the drive-in that night, and yet so similar. There’s hurt there, and yet there’s some kind of understanding, like she knows what he wanted to say, knows that it didn’t match what actually came out, and maybe she is willing to wait until it comes out right.

 _Maybe_. But that’s not something he can just go on risking indefinitely, because what if she reaches a point that she can’t wait anymore? He wouldn’t even blame her if she did. After all, he has no excuse for the way his words failed him that day in the hospital. He _wanted_ to tell her. He did. It just suddenly felt like maybe he wasn’t ready, maybe with the urgency of her potential death removed from the situation, it might not be the right time anymore.

He doesn’t actually know what he’s waiting _for_. Gus has told him before that every time he stops himself from going through with the whole thing, he’s wasting time that he could have spent actually _being_ with Jules, and that makes sense. Gus, as usual, isn’t wrong, even though Shawn blows him off whenever he says it.

But maybe the holdup is his secret after all. He remembers the way his parents’ marriage had felt—after a while, they didn’t even speak to each other. His mom left and came back a few times before she really left for good, and every time Shawn asked his dad where she’d gone or when she was coming back, his dad had just shaken his head slightly, as if trying to clear it for himself, and said softly, hollowly, “I don’t know, Shawn.” 

His parents had _always_ had secrets, and maybe, in the end, that was what had destroyed them. Shawn had witnessed the way they kept secrets, had learned secrecy _from_ them. But if he imitated them now, as he had done for years, it might destroy any chance _he_ had at finding something that worked, something that could last.

The dilemma is that he doesn’t exactly know what power the secret holds. If he tells her, maybe it would save them; maybe having everything be out in the open would be the thing that allows them to actually have a good, healthy relationship. Maybe telling her is the only way that he can be the kind of man Juliet _deserves_. After all, wasn’t he the one who told Declan that Juliet isn’t someone you just mess around with? She’s the real deal, that’s what he said, and he meant it. But he meant it in order to make Declan do something stupid and rash, he didn’t mean to have to explore what that meant for himself.

And yet, there’s also the very likely possibility that telling Juliet the truth destroys _everything_. If he tells her, if she knows, she might have to go to the Chief, and then it could all be over. That could be the end of Psych, the end of the only thing in his life he’s ever felt that he was truly _meant_ to do, the thing that’s given him every good thing he has in his life, including Jules herself.

And what’s more, if he tells her, she may never trust him again. It may be too much for her, she may not understand that he’s just been doing what he has to do to stay out of jail, and that somewhere along the way, it’s turned into the way in which he does good, the thing that has made him actually proud of himself for the first time in his life, the thing that has made his dad stop looking at him as wasted potential, the thing that has made Juliet’s eyes shine when she looks at him.

Is it worth it, to lose all that? Is it worth it, if she walks away, leaves him behind, takes away his ability to run Psych?

He can’t decide.

The risk is huge, but the reward could be even bigger. Because what if she appreciates his honesty? What if this is the last barrier between them? What if this is the thing that’s been holding him back, that’s been keeping them from being able to be truly happy?

At first, he just wanted to beat Declan to the punch. But now he thinks maybe he just _wants_ to tell her, like his secret is the last big obstacle that’s kept them apart, and the sooner he tells her, the sooner there’s nothing left, no reason to keep dancing around each other, and they can finally just have what he’s pretty sure they both desperately want.

But now he’s back at the question of _how_. How can he stop the words from failing him this time? How can he adequately convey to Juliet that the reason he has to tell her all this is _because_ he loves her, and the fact that he’s kept up the secret for so long isn’t proof that he doesn’t.

In the end, it’s Declan that stops him, and that both kills him and fills him with relief. Once again, he’s torn—Juliet seems to be happy with Declan’s honesty, enough that she’s willing to give him a second chance. But then again, Declan has been lying to her for a matter of days, instead of the years of deceit Shawn has put her through.

And, of course, the very fact that Juliet is okay enough with Declan’s honestly to give him another chance is devastating in its own right. As usual, he and Jules seem to have just missed each other—always so close, always so heartbreakingly far away.

And the thing is, there’s no _strategy_ here. Shawn is used to situations that seem impossible—how many times has he managed to find proof on a case that seemed to lack any clues, or convince a criminal to confess, or even remedy cases that Lassiter found far too cold to ever resurrect?—no matter what, Shawn has always been able to wiggle through gaps that seem much too small for him at first blush. But with Jules, there’s none of that. She’s always just a _little_ too out of his reach, and no matter how hard he tries to make the impossible possible like he has in every case he’s ever worked on, this thing with Jules just doesn’t work like that.

And now, once again, he’s lost her just when he was about to really go for it, just when he was sure that _this_ time, he could do it, this time he could prove to her that they could do this, and it could be _right_ , it could be _it_ for both of them.

His mind scrolls through all the moments with Jules, all the times they’ve been _so close_ , when he’s been sure that they were just a breath away from finally going for it, that day she begrudgingly let him hold her hand as they skated at the roller rink after insisting “no hands”, the time they’d walked down the boardwalk in the golden hour, and he could feel her eyes on him, the atmosphere charged with a kind of attraction he knew they were both aware of, the time he’d leaned towards here as they stood under the trapdoor after the Bollywood show, when he knew she thought he was going to kiss her—and when he’d wanted to. Hadn’t all those moments been building up to something? Hadn’t he _known_ , in all those moments, that he loved her, that she was his future, that this could be _it_ if he just had the courage to go for it, just once?

And yet, even with all of that, here he was, and she was walking away with Declan, his arm sliding around her back. Shawn hated how much his heart clenched to see him touch her. He didn’t want to be jealous, he wanted to be the one walking there with her, the one who was allowed to touch her so casually, so naturally, instead of now, when he had to cling on to every time their hands accidentally brushed at work for weeks afterward, playing it over in his head, the memories burned into his skin.

Instead, here he was. Words had failed him. Time had failed him. And sooner or later—maybe already, but please, no, not _already_ —there wasn’t going to be any time left for another chance to finally make this right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! As always, I would love to hear any thoughts you have, and thank you so much to those of you who have already left comments and kudos! It means so much to me!


	6. warm nights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here it is! The final chapter! Thanks so much to everyone who’s followed along! I hope you enjoy this!
> 
> As usual, I don’t own any characters or anything Psych-related.

“It’s okay,” she says, “the way things are, _it’s okay_.”

But it isn’t, and he knows if he walks away from her now, if he doesn’t even _try_ to stop her from giving up, he may never know peace again. It might really be over then, and he can’t let that happen, not when he’s come so close to what he’s wanted for years.

But how can he say it? He knows he screwed up. He can’t stop seeing the look in Juliet’s eyes as she turned to walk away from him when she’d showed up at his hotel door. It would have been easy to place all the blame on Despereaux, and he wanted to, but he had screwed up and his words had hurt her.

She had broken up with Declan, and that had to have been for him. And yet, he might have just lost his chance with her, the chance he’s been waiting for for at least five years, although it’s felt like much longer.

They were _so close_ , and if he walks away this time, there might not be any coming back.

But he’s tripped up by the same things as usual—how can he possibly make it all up to her? If she just hadn’t come by his hotel room earlier, this would be so easy; he had been so ready before.

But she had, and he had hurt her, and that’s been the whole thing, this whole time. He’s always hurting her, always getting so close and pulling back at the last second, and what if this time, it really was his last chance? If he walks away now, what if this really is it, and he’ll never get another chance to tell her how much he loves her, that he thinks he might want to spend the rest of his life with her? What if he really has screwed this up beyond repair? It’s what he’s always been afraid of, what’s kept him from coming clean for five years.

But every other time he’s come this close to telling her how he feels, he’s turned and walked away instead. And that regret has haunted him, especially in the last few weeks, especially since the last time he was this close, Declan swooped in at the last moment and beat him to it. He’d played those moments in his head over and over again since then, trying to figure out what he could have done differently.

Weirdly, the words his dad had said to him had struck a chord—his dad was always _doing_ that, and it was so annoying. Ever since he was a little kid, his dad has been able to get in his head, a few words or a certain kind of glance causing him to re-think everything about his life. (That’s probably why he moved away in the first place, if he thinks about it.) But his dad’s words about Juliet had really stuck with him this time—“if she goes off to Italy with this guy who’s crazy about her, she ain’t coming back with any doubts”.

Those words had haunted him ever since. He didn’t know what to make of any of it. But in the end, she hadn’t gone. She’d broken up with Declan, and that had to be for him, and that meant that even if she was angry now—which she was, she’d said so, and she had every right to be—there was still a chance. It was possible, if he turned around now, just asked her to listen, if he could _just_ get the words actually out this time, instead of failing at the last second like he has so many times before, maybe there was a chance.

Because he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about how he’d felt when she kissed him, and it had changed everything. He had been in love with her before that moment—for _years_ before that moment—but he’d never known it quite so keenly as he had when she’d _finally_ pressed her lips to his, all of the fear and the hurt and the confusion wrapped up in it, but overwhelmingly, a sense of love and rightness taking hold.

He cannot just walk away from her now. If he walks away, he loses everything, everything they’ve been fighting for for all these years. If he walks away, he loses _Jules_. And she _is_ everything.

In the end, he doesn’t walk away. No, he walks right back to her, asks her to listen, and he tries to keep it together as he tries to put into words how he’s felt for the last five years. And he does, he gets it out enough for her to understand—well, he thinks she understands, anyway, but then he’s too busy kissing her to spend much more time wondering about it.

But then it’s later, weeks later, and they’re back in Santa Barbara, and they’re lying in his bed together, him holding her, their hands intertwined, his thumb lightly grazing her knuckles, and he thinks maybe he’s got more to say that he didn’t quite say then. In this moment, they haven’t said anything in a while, just lying there quietly, curled up in each other, and he wonders if she’s thinking about how lucky they are to be in this moment together, the way he is.

After five years of waiting and watching and wanting and wanting and wanting, she is finally here, in his arms, and it’s so much better than he ever even imagined it could be, the feel of her soft hair against his cheek, the way he can lean down, kiss her forehead, her hair, her cheek, right now, if he wants to, and she won’t pull away, and they won’t have to go back to dancing around each other, pretending it wasn’t happening, ever again.

He feels so _lucky_ right now that it almost scares him. He never had something he cared about so deeply; now that he has Jules, he is so terrified of losing her, because this is as good as life can get, and he never wants to go back to the way things were before.

He leans his head down, kisses her cheek, and she smiles drowsily up at him. He loves her smile, loves watching her smile _because of him_ , and his heart feels like it’s going to burst from how much he loves her, how much joy he feels right now, holding her so close to him that their hearts beat in time with one another.

He kisses her again, taking his time this time, kissing a trail down her cheek, from her forehead to the corner of her mouth. She smiles widely at him as he pulls away, her eyes shining in the way he adores.

“What was that for?” she asks.

He shakes his head slightly, and for a second he thinks back to that moment in the car with his dad at his high school reunion, when he asked about moments. He remembers what his dad had said then, and it dawns on him that maybe, just maybe, he’s found himself in the middle of another one of those moments now. Maybe what he says to her here, now, will set the stage for how things unfold hereafter.

“Jules,” he says, gently, quietly.

She looks at him, almost unblinking, and he sees worry start to crease her forehead. Maybe it’s his tone that’s throwing her off. So he urges himself on, trying to figure out how to say this properly, without messing it up, not wanting her to waste a moment being worried about what he’s going to say.

He’s silent longer than he intends to be (which was exactly what he was trying to avoid, but as usual, it takes a second to gather his courage), and she starts to look a little concerned. “Are you okay?”

“Yes,” he says, “Yes, I am! I just—I’m in love with you.” It comes out quickly, the rush of words that follow a jumble of the myriad of moments, memories with her that have popped into his mind. “And I have been for so long. I--,” he pauses, running his hand through his hair as he thinks about it, “I think I started falling in love with you that very first day, at the diner, when your hands shook and you let me do eighth-grade Jules voice, and then afterward, when you ran that Chinese food sample through the lab even though Lassie never would have entertained that thought for a second.”

She chuckles softly. “Taking some noodles to the lab really did it for you, huh?”

He laughs, too. “It’s everything, Jules. All these years, you’ve always had my back, and you’ve saved my life a hundred times, and there were all these times I wanted so badly to say it—like watching you date Mr. Man Boobs, or Declan the Fraud, or even when Drimmer wanted to ask you out, and I was so close to just saying it, because I thought I would go crazy if I didn’t, and I almost screwed this up for good so many times, and yet I get to be here, now, with you, and I can’t believe something this good is actually happening to ME.” He stresses the “me” in the way that always makes her laugh, and it does, but her eyes are still shining up at him, only now he sees the edge of tears beginning to sparkle in them.

He urges himself on. “I just… I just can’t even believe we’re in this now. We’re a we. We’re an us. We’re partners--,” he pauses. They both frown.

“Ew, no,” he says. “Did that just make you think about Lassie?”

She laughs, nodding.

“Me too, and I do _not_ want to think about Lassie right now. Lassie is banned from this moment.” He gestures to the bed around them. “This is a Lassie-free-zone--,” he stops as Juliet puts her hand on his arm.

“Shawn.”

“Right,” he takes a breath. “What I’m saying is, Jules, I’m in this for the long haul. I’m not quite, you know, selling the Norton yet, but I’m…I’m gonna get there. We’re in this, aren’t we?”

“We are,” she says patiently, knowing he has more to say, and he sighs contentedly. It’s given him the courage to press on, to say everything he’s been wanting to say for all these years.

“I know it’s so early to be saying this,” he says at last, “and we just got together, and I don’t want to scare you, but my God, Jules, I’m in love with you, and I couldn’t just keep lying here and not tell you. Not when I’ve already waited this long to say it.”

“I’m glad you did,” she whispers, the tears in her eyes appearing again and spilling over. He wipes them off gently with the pad of his thumb before she pulls his head down to hers, kissing him deeply, and it’s just as intense, just as breathtakingly beautiful as the first time she ever kissed him, in Declan’s foyer, only this time, without the heartbreak, without the fear that when she pulls away, he’s going to lose her for good.

When they break apart, he rests his forehead against hers, his eyes closed, trying to drink in everything about this moment with her. But he thinks he’s still got more to say, and he’s counting on his words to come through for him this time, to make up for all the times they’ve failed him in front of her, so he pulls back again to look at her.

“Jules, do you ever think about that moment at the drive-in?” he asks.

She frowns, half-laughing. “You mean, when I embarrassed myself in the middle of a date you were already on? Yeah…I would say I remember that one. Why would you bring that up _now_?”

“Because you didn’t,” he says. “You didn’t embarrass yourself.”

She laughs again, lightly, but with a little bit of awkwardness. “Uh, yeah, Shawn, I was pretty embarrassed.”

He shakes his head. “What I mean is, you shouldn’t have been. Because I never got to tell you what was really going through my head that night, how hard it was to let you walk away.”

She doesn’t say anything, just keeps looking at him curiously.

“Jules, I was so in love with you, then,” he says, and it’s a relief to feel like he’s getting to make this moment right, even years later, because it’s haunted him all this time, the way he had to let her go. “I was already so in love with you,” he says again. “And you looked so beautiful that night. I had never seen you look so beautiful, and if you think about it, that’s really kind of amazing, because every time I saw you, I was just in awe of you. Gus used to say I looked at you like that scene in the end of _The Goonies_ , you know, when they pour the jewels out and the houses aren’t being foreclosed?”

Juliet frowned again. “What?”

“I know, that’s what I said, it doesn’t even make any sense, because you never even really _see_ their reactions, and I asked him if maybe he meant the part where they see the _Inferno_ sailing off at the end and none of them can believe it, and he _refused_ to clarify, and you know what, I’m not even sure he even knows what he’s _talking_ about, because he always got scared in the middle of that movie and made us turn it off--.”

Juliet cuts him off, putting a finger to his lips. “Shawn.”

“No, wait, I’m not finished,” he says, “I’m getting back on track, I promise. But I always—I mean, I always just wanted to stand there and _look_ at you, and I would have, if Gus would let me. But that night at the theater, it was different.”

He pauses, trying to figure out exactly how to say what he wanted to say next. “It broke my heart, having to turn you down,” he says. “I wanted to say yes to you _so badly_ , Jules. I wanted it more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life, and you kissed me on the cheek, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it for _weeks_ afterward, and Gus kept telling me I was obsessing, and I kept saying ‘ _you’re_ obsessing’ and he would say, ‘that doesn’t even make any sense, Shawn’ and--,” he paused, “I’m getting off track again.”

She smiles, back on the verge of laughter, but waits patiently for him to continue.

“But I _did_ obsess over that day, Jules,” he says. “I did, because I’d already wanted you for so long, and you were so beautiful, and you had just believed in me so much that day, and even though I made so many mistakes on that case, I kept feeling like the worst mistake I ever made that day was letting you walk away.”

He can still picture it, still see how she looked that night, her blonde waves long and loose, even though she’d worn them up in a bun earlier that day. He remembers how he’d catalogued that, the way he always catalogued everything with her. He takes a deep breath before continuing. “It’s just that I couldn’t bail on Abigail. Not again. Not because I loved her, not because I was even half as interested in her as I was in you, but because I needed to be the kind of man that _you_ deserved, and I wanted to be, and I knew that that had to start with keeping my commitments.”

She looks surprised, her eyes soft, tears threatening to spill over again. “You thought about all that?”

“I had to,” he says, and this feels good, it feels right, finally getting to make his failures up to her by saying these things he wanted to say. “I had to, Jules, because I was in love with you, but I wasn’t ready. And I couldn’t risk being with you and messing it up. So I let you walk away at the drive-in, and it was the hardest thing I’d ever done, even after actually getting Mr. Yang that day.”

She leans her head up, brushes her lips to his. “I’m not going to walk away again, Shawn,” she whispers.

He closes his eyes, wrapping his arms around her tightly and pulling her close again, unable to believe how content he feels, finally telling her how he felt over all those years, getting to hold her and kiss her as he does so.

“I’m not going to give you a reason to, Jules,” he answers, finally. He pulls her towards him gently and kisses her again.

This time, he’s finally made it right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That ending is a little yikes because we know what happens…
> 
> Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed this story and chapter! Thank you so very much for reading, and a special thanks to those of you who have left comments and kudos. It means so much to me to get feedback on my work! As always, would love to know any thoughts you have on this last piece!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I so hope you enjoyed this first chapter! Interestingly, it's my least favorite of the six chapters, so I assure you, there's lots of fun stuff coming up! Please let me know what you think in the comments! Hope you have a wonderful week!


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